Coming Out as a Lesbian...
- Zoe Stoller
- Jan 12, 2022
- 2 min read
This is a true story 🙊
In Fall 2016, I came out as a lesbian, thinking I was a woman who loves women.
Imagine my surprise when, a few months later, I woke up and didn’t feel like a woman anymore.
Honestly, I felt absolutely terrified.
I had just come into this big part of my identity — being an empowered lesbian woman — and I didn’t want to lose that.
What would it mean if I weren’t actually a woman?
Could I still be a lesbian?
Would I have to give up the sense of self I had worked to construct?
So many questions were swirling through my head, and I felt so overwhelmed and unprepared to deal with them.
As a result, I pushed my questioning thoughts deeeeep deep down.
I didn’t tell anyone what I was feeling, and I continued living in the world as a lesbian “woman.”
But this took a toll on me, as any form of inauthenticity does.
(I’ve come to realize, through therapy, that some of my biggest sources of pain and struggle come from not being my true self)
And about three years after my gender questioning first began, I decided to do some research and try to figure out what was going on.
I vividly remember typing into google “what is my gender if I feel like a woman sometimes, but not all the time?”
That search didn’t get me too far, but it *did* lead me to social media, where I started following LGBTQ+ creators sharing about queer and trans identities.
These creators introduced me to the word genderfluid, and made me realize that I could still be a lesbian, even if I’m not fully a woman.
Suddenly, my fear of figuring out my gender completely slipped away — and my identity made *so* much sense!
This is part of the reason why I share educational queer content here on social media — to help the people like me who are struggling with figuring themselves out.
Social media can be a challenging, hateful place, but it also has the potential to bring so much good to the world.
And I am thankful every day that I was able to use these platforms to figure out my gender identity and live as my truest, most authentic self ❤️
💬 Have you ever questioned your gender, or any part of your identity? Did this questioning scare you like it scared me? 💬
I particularly appreciated your insight into the non-linear journey of self-discovery. It's a crucial reminder that identity isn't a fixed state but an evolving process, often requiring deep introspection and patience. This becomes especially pertinent when individuals are exploring their sexual orientation and seeking clarity amidst internal questions. For those navigating such personal explorations, having a comprehensive guide to understanding lesbian identity can offer invaluable support and perspective.
Zoe, your honesty about the terror of questioning if you could still be a lesbian after realizing you might not be a woman truly resonates. It highlights how deeply intertwined our understanding of sexual orientation can be with our gender identity, even when they're distinct concepts. Navigating these complex feelings, especially at the outset of exploring one's sexual orientation, can be incredibly challenging. For anyone grappling with those initial questions about their sexual orientation, finding clarity can be a huge step, and resources like this can be really helpful for understanding if you are a lesbian.
Questioning your sexuality can be confusing. A lesbian test can help you sort through your feelings about women in a private, non-judgmental way.